Naturally, we had to mull over how this would all play out...
The Royal Gynecologist had pressed Play on the Sounds of Whale Noises five minutes ago, but the Duchess of Cambridge could barely hear it. She was deep in a trance, thanks to the pendant that the Royal Hypnotist was swinging in front of her.
A small staff of 50 (only the essentials – the Ladies in Waiting, Prince Charles, Prince William, Camilla – ugh, her – a few of the Queen’s corgis, and an assortment of various middle-aged Englishmen who comprised the royal staff) was crowded around her as she lay on the 700-thread-count hospital sheets with her legs in stirrups made of solid gold with diamond-incrusted overlay. The lighting was, of course, demure and flattering.
Nearby, Prince Harry was blowing into a Latex glove until it became a makeshift balloon. He pinched the bum of a 60-year-old nurse that passed by, then apologized profusely formal dresses.
“You are in the shoe section of Topshop,” the Royal Hypnotist said in a soothing voice. “You see a pair of shoes you like. They are not the correct size. You see another pair, equally as cute, that is significantly marked down.”
“Does Pippa already have them?” murmured Kate.
“No.”
“That’s right, she hates flats… I’m trying them on…” Kate relaxed.
“The Royal Uterus is dilating!” cried the Royal Gynecologist.
“How does it look down there, darling?” Kate asked Prince William.
“Brilliant, dear.” Wills said, and fainted... .
The Duchess of Cambridge is considering hypno-birthing, sources tell Grazia and Now in interviews picked up by EntertainmentWise.
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